Lawrence Phillips

Career stats:

yards: 1,453

touchdowns:14

teams played for: 7 (NFL: Rams, Dolphins, 49ers; NFL Europe: Barcelona Dragons; Arena League: Florida Bobcats; CFL: Montreal Allouettes, Calgary Stampeders)

Domestic Abuse charges: at least 5

Assault with a Deadly Weapon Convictions:1

Lawrence Phillips is an all-time great amongst the Pantheon.  If OJ is the Godfather, LP has a definite claim to Underboss.  Actually, The Juice is lucky they're not in the same prison.  I wouldn't be surprised if Lawrence tried to off OJ to take total control of the operation.  Let's take a look at the illustrious off the field career of Mr. Phillips.

Lawrence didn't have the nicest of childhoods, growing up in foster homes in California.  No doubt, a bad start for anyone.  But Lawrence had one thing going for him...he could run like a motherf*cker with a football in his hands.  Unfortunately, he wasn't quite as fast with the cops in tow.  He went off to Nebraska where, aside from his truly stellar college football career, he found his true calling: beating women.  He was suspended in 1995 for beating his then-girlfriend, a member of the Nebraska basketball team.  He probably found out that girls who play with basketballs in college don't play with mens' balls in college.  She was probably pulling more chicks than he was and he got mad.  I'll let him off for this one.

When Larry Boy then went off to the NFL, he was drafted number six overall, even though he was widely regarded as the best player in the draft.  Five teams passed on him because of his shady college past.  So, look out St. Louis!  Lock up your women!  Drafted in 1996, he played a season and a half for the Rams who were so confident in his abilities and Dick Vermeil's belief that he could set Larry on the straight and narrow, that they traded Jerome Bettis to the Steelers.  Phillips ran for 1,309 yards and 12 touchdowns in 27 games for the Rams.  Bettis became the Steelers all-time leading rusher and went to 2 Super Bowls, winning one.  Phillips decided he wasn't getting enough playing time and walked out on the team.  Bettis retired with dignity, a Super Bowl ring, and a sure first ballot Hall of Fame Induction.  Good move, Rams.

On to Miami (or as the Cubans say, Meeahmi)!   Two games, 44 yards, one arrest for assaulting a woman in a nightclub.  There are so many women in Miami, how could the poor guy help himself?  I mean, he was in a rut.  He hadn't hit a woman since his days back at the ol' Alma Mater.  That's like going two episodes of "Dexter" without Dex chopping someone into pieces or Bill Simmons stopping at 10,000 words.  Eventually, you need a fix.  

In 1998, our boy needed a break.  I assume he went back to California to get his pimp hand strong.  In 1999, he decided to give woman-beating...I mean football, another shot.  He said to himself, "Hmmm...I ain't never hit to European broads.  Imma play in Spain!"  Good luck, Barcelona!  Remarkably, he was able to stay out of cuffs throughout stays with the Barcelona Dragons, San Francisco 49ers, and a stint in the Arena League with the Florida Bobcats.  I'm assuming he didn't get arrested this time in Florida because he wasn't there long enough.  He again, like in St. Louis, just stopped showing up for work.

Let's skip ahead to his post-football career (no one cares about the CFL...except Doug Flutie).  This is where my all-time favorite Lawrence Phillips event takes place.  The date: August 21, 2005.  The scene: a playground in Los Angeles, CA.  The story:  Lawrence, now 30 years old, participates in a pick-up football game with teenagers.  After the game, Larry notices that his belongings that he left near the field are gone.  He accuses the kids of stealing his things.  Angered, he returns to his car and thinks of his next step.  He can't call the cops since there's already 2 warrants out for him for...you guessed it...domestic abuse!  Winner, winner, prison dinner if you guessed right!  So the cop option is out.  Option number 2: run the little fuckers down with his car!  Seven counts of assault with a deadly weapon later, do not pass go, do not collect food stamps, go directly to jail!  For 10 years!  And don't forget those old warrants, my friend!  While in jail you'll be convicted of assault with great bodily injury, false imprisonment, making threats, and auto theft!  Sentencing still to come.

What did we learn from Lawrence Phillips?  First, don't date girls who play organized college sports.  They're lesbians.  Second, show up for work lest ye not have work to show up to.  Third, if you're going to run down teenagers, make sure you don't have previous warrants, then run like cops are chasing you (wait...they were).  And for the ladies, don't date Lawrence Phillips.  He will beat you.  A lot.